Anonymous asked: this blog fucking sucks.
The YES and NO will return next week.
This man artfully photobombed his own photo. What sets him apart from every cam whore since Myspace? If you have to ask, you’ll never know. Everyone wants to photobomb so badly now that even the foreground/focus is often a photobomb, these days.
When you’re angry about something, fucking be angry about it. Don’t be passive aggressive. Don’t write an allegory about it. Don’t tweet about it. Be. Angry. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH! “And we stand up for shit that matters! Like wearing things like this!!!”
In The Crowd
Around this girl, the rest of the world just appears to be shades of grey… not the shitty erotica book. This guy is back from the future of fashion and modeling to tell us all that there is no hope. The future is littered with the ruins of the magazine industry, and the only appropriate accessory is a cane to help you walk through the post-apocalyptic landscape littered with...
80s Pop Culture
Quite simply put, why doesn’t this happen more often? Surely we can muster up two horny computer geeks in this day and age. “I am She-ra! Princess of Power! Now, what can I get you, hun? We got a special on Grand Slams.”
As much as I absolutely positively despise duckface, this girl’s on a whole nother thing. She’s daring us to say something about it, and I am backing down. This one’s kind of meta. The kid in this photo is all of us, standing there saying, “Now, just what kind of pinko idiocy is this before me?” [We’ve got some pretty sweet pants on. - Ed.]
There’s so little of a fuck being given here that this could be called a dry hump. This is happening whether you want it to or not.
I’m sure there’s some artistry intended here, but all I’m seeing is grass-covered tits… and I’m OK with that. I’m sure there’s some artistry intended here, but all I’m seeing is grass-covered ass… and I’m not OK with that.
Even this guy himself was caught off guard by his bare-chested allure as he trekked through the woods on his way to have sex with every woman in the world. When you take off your shirt, you probably shouldn’t continue to be monochromatic.
This girl certainly accomplished what she set out to do if it was “creating a gooey mess in a blogger’s underpants.” If I’m ever put into a position to decide who lives and who dies on this planet, the very top of the “Who Dies” list is going to say, “That grown man with the pink polo shirt, oversized baseball cap, blue shorts and purple douche...
How do I say this without sounding creepy? That dress looks as good on you as it’ll look on my homemade mannequin facsimile of you. What the fuck is this — spring moments brought to you by Spirograph?
Good news, everyone!
The YES and NO returns this week. Expect a post a day from here on out.
Are you frickin’ kidding me? I am neither a fan of smoking nor redheads, but you wear both like badges of “fuck you, guy who writes these things,” among other frills and boner-inducing quirks. When Tammy and Rachel traveled back in time to their cherished shared memory of their blossoming BFF friendship, what they had really traveled back to was the genesis of a lifetime...
Um… why are you even reading this? Get thee to a lotion bottle! Bigger is not always better. Fake is never as good as real. Ladies, how would you feel if all men started walking around with 12-inch rubber dildos popping tents in their pants all day every day? You’d get the man home, unzip his pants and go, “Oh… I could’ve bought that.” That’s what...
Having love for all teeth whether they’re white, yellow, diseased or rotting is cool. Just really cool. It’s the new feel-good social movement. This is the orthodontic equivalent of black face.
I don’t know about you, but I like my women all natural. I like the wayward breast hair if not to match, then at least complement the carpet, so to speak. Before you get too excited, I advise that if you manage to remove those unbelievably small shorts somehow, you’re liable to find a solid, plastic pelvis where a vagina should be.
She clearly doesn’t give a fuck about what you’re seeing — only what she’s seeing, which right now is all blue, baby. This is like when Prince performed at the Super Bowl and he stood behind a sheet so the silhouette of him and his guitar made it look like he had a gigantic demon penis — only this lacks any semblance of mystique, sex appeal or rebellion. You...
Said with a Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson (your preference) surprised inflection: Jeff Bridges?! When you’re crazy enough to model yourself after a celebrity, don’t incept yourself and model yourself after a crazy celebrity.
Getting Out There
Howard had found that when he went to his white collar, 9-to-5 job in his Armani suit every day, he was dead inside. Howard had found that at Albuquerque Pride he was the man. Did you know that Randy “Macho Man” Savage’s mother outlived him?
Any time your tit chasm (sorry) distracts from 8-inch earrings and a Sears windbreaker, you’ve been — what we call — blessed. Not getting greedy and propping those things up in some ridiculously reinforced brassiere or ill-conceived top and just letting them rest naturally is the pièce de résistance. Hey, I’ve got a thing for Hispanic Catholic schoolgirls as much...
gabby-suicide asked: Im secretly in love with you. Only because you share my passion for skittles and George clooney masturbation. I thought i would share that with you publicly :-D
Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself, “Could I have thought of that?” Answering, “No,” usually means it’s a YES. Answering, “My brain hurts,” means it’s definitely a YES. I guess we should be happy these two found each other, sparing the rest of us their fuckery. Can you imagine seeing one of them walking down the road alone? It would be...
If she’d let you drown her in amoxicillin there’s a pretty good chance you can do whatever you want with this one. Turning yourself into a Lady Gaga hooker dog comic might work in Tallahassee, guy, but it won’t get you a second glance around these parts.
OK, I know what you’re thinking. “Vlah!” right? I’m about to get inside your mind and change your opinion of this. 1. The watch 2. The mustache 3. The smile 4. He had to have retied that tie so many times until it was just the right length 5. “A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.” -Oscar Wilde Also, it’s a Charvet. Boom. There...
You get what you pay for. This cost $1,423,561,756,234,645,825,645.25 for one hour. You know how people call getting screwed over “railroaded?” This is called getting “Buffalo Billed.”
Christmas 2011 III
This is why people have made Christmas more about Santa Claus than Jesus. You can debase the character all you want and it just comes off as funny, no matter how horrible it really is. Who wants guilt during the holiday season? “We left Kevin home alone!”
Christmas 2011 II
“I’m looking for the fuck I give about those cookies being for Santa, and not finding it.” Work Christmas parties… do I really even need to say anything?
This is what Christmas is all about. Christmas is the absolute worst time of year because people like this, who think they’re fashionable and festive, take it upon themselves to combine the two things to make “Christmas fashions.” The result is pretty much always this — a gaunt, dead soul in red and green.
This guys knows his place. He’s a pig. A damned dirty pig. Oink, oink! Boink, boink! You’re going to roll around in his slop. I know this all sounds terrifying, but he paints a very compelling picture when you talk to him about it. There’s nothing sadder in this world than overestimated cup sizes. Your tits aren’t going to magically fill them one day. And I...
I’ve affectionately titled this photo: “Dong pic.” Sharing is caring, mother fucker! Nobody wants to share their soda with a dog, but you don’t have to be a dick about it, and you certainly don’t have to stiff-arm him in the face like you’re Michael Vick.
Courtesy is long gone from the road. His vehicle has a curtain. Public transportation is for the dregs of society. Either you’ve allowed yourself to be unable to afford a car, you’re a hippie or you live in “THE CITY” and have a giant fucking face.
Uh… yes, please. That tiny piece of ass hanging out the bottom of those little athletic shorts is what would cause my eyes to bug out and my tongue to roll out of my mouth if I were a wolf in a cartoon. I understand real women have curves, but real women don’t have inadequately repressed random bulges.
A human body pressed up against a wall is instantly 10 times sexier than a body that’s just standing under its own power. This is called the “We’re All Lazy Fucks in America” effect. It states: The strength of a man’s erection is inversely proportional to how upright a woman is. Seduction pro tip: Don’t wear a leotard stuffed with two melons and...
This cosplayer has inspired me to shed my inhibitions and dress up in cosplay as whatever character has sex with that character. Let’s face it; people only want to see female cosplayers. Sure, for all we know there could be a woman in one of those Ultra Man suits, but let’s not risk it, K?
If you’ve never had an orgasm that made your partner call 9-1-1, you’ve got some fucking to do, my friend. OK, everyone has their own little quirks when it comes to the release of an orgasm, but stumbling out into the wilderness upon climax and going missing for a whole week is not going to get you many repeat customers.
This is so classy that one time Nick at Nite accidentally aired this photo in place of a Welcome Back, Kotter episode. Women’s accessories have gotten out of control. Nobody notices your earrings. Nobody notices your shoes. Nobody notices your disco ball. How about spending that money on a date once in a while? That’s a nice accessory.
The one positive thing that’s come out of Jersey Shore is we now know who the women are who find guidos attractive. That means we can weed them out of society by pinning them down forever under their own personal guido, thus effectively eliminating both the guido and the guido sympathizer threats. Nobody can tell anymore when someone is being serious or they’re mocking Jersey...
Contrary to popular belief, women did not invent blow jobs. This guy did. Meet Harold Johnson, or as he’s known in fellatio circles: “The Godfather of Suck.” What is it that causes one’s eyes to roll around like those plastic googly eyes you used in arts & crafts in grade school when you’re given good oral? Whatever it is, it makes you look like...
Anonymous asked: lolol "GET A SENSE OF HUMOUR; I, YOUR OPPRESSOR, THINK THAT IT'S FUNNY TO MAKE FUN OF TRANS WOMEN; THEREFORE, IT'S FUNNY. LAUGH. YOU OVERSENSITIVE ASS" lolololol
Well, I don’t see you doing a level 3 intergalactic witch doctor dance to ward off invasion by General Klartax of the Rellions in Sector 239.1x of Cygnus A. There is nothing here that I haven’t seen done much better elsewhere.
Anonymous asked: I have this sneaking suspicion you're trying to be funny or clever or something... but that Yes/No post about trans women was just NOT. Good. At. All. The "yes" was iffy enough and rather 'WTF?' (gender role experts? wtf?). But that bottom "No" was just horrible and disgusting and anti-trans / transmisogynistic like woah. TRANS WOMEN =/= DECEIVERS. That is one of...
Heterosexuals, your job is thus: make more people. That is the one thing in your life that you’re supposed to do. You win a Pulitzer or start a war, that’s great, but if you don’t spawn another person, then you’ve ultimately failed as a human. So, these people have the right idea. Social proprieties be damned, they’re just going to stick it in at every opportunity....
This is how far society has come. Less than two decades ago, you could barely say “gay” on television. Now, men’s eyelashes are butterfly wings. That’s progress. Part of that progress is you don’t need to be loud and obnoxiously flamboyant to make sure everyone knows you’re gay anymore. Just maintain a celebrity blog and make death threats against...
Living With Your Parents
When you’re over 21 and still living with mom and pops, the mere prospect of them leaving you home alone overnight provokes an orgasmic response that the Rabbit vibrator you keep hidden in your “off-limits on cleaning day, mom!” drawer can’t match. Mucking about is all well and good, but reminding your parents of just how retarded you turned out is rude and...
Anonymous asked: no, the part where you called trans* women "guys" and said that they got breast implants only to confuse ""gender role experts"", and then said that having a penis and being a woman is a "no" :/ you can say ~~it's okay to be transgender~~ all you want, but youre clearly just an asshole.
Anonymous asked: Wow, your cissexism is nothing like funny.
This guy got breast implants just so he could make you uncomfortable by walking around shirtless, wearing a bra. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, gender role experts. If it looks too good to be true, there’s probably a surprise penis tucked in there somewhere. Not that that’s a bad thing necessarily, but, you know… surprise penis.
If you can convince everyone in a group to wear white stovepipe hats, you must be doing something right. I don’t care what it is you’re selling, but I’m buying. That being said, just because you have everyone dressing alike doesn’t mean you don’t look like a bunch of assholes dressed up as joints.
Right now, I’m less concerned with writing this and most concerned with the well-being of the front of my pants. Can you just try, please? This is why Jeff left you.