December 2011
89 posts
6 tags
Body Parts
If you’re not happy with a part of your body like your legs (your thighs touch when you walk), what’s stopping you from just getting new ones? Absolutely fucking nothing. Sure the skin tones might not match up perfectly, but who would honestly give a fuck about that now they don’t have to hear that “shhhhrsh” sound when you’re mobile?
When your kid is a...
November 2011
29 posts
6 tags
Strangers
This kid has to have the most knowledge about film out of anyone I’ve ever seen. He knows so much about movies that he doesn’t think trashing a movie on some IMDB messageboard is enough. He has to mock the movie by wearing a shirt that says, “I went through the trouble of buying merchandise for your shitty movie back before they pulled it all off the shelves because you helped...
6 tags
Laps
Despite what it might seem, the all-out attack on this girl’s ass from multiple fronts is not even remotely the hottest thing that was going on in that room at the time. The girl in the lawnchair next to the one in the foreground had a dude’s head in her lap, and every five minutes the guy in the back watching with the Red Bull would say, “SHAZAAM!” and walk off to the...
7 tags
My Butt
I decided to bring you a very special edition of YES and… well, it’s simply a YES.
My ass, everyone:
Now there’s something to sink your teeth into, my old avatar. If this was a bad sci-fi/horror flick, it would be called Invasion of the Booty Snatchers and motherfuckers would be pointing at me while emitting a shrill, high-pitched shriek.
[The mirror says...
6 tags
Friends
Marry him. Now. When are you ever going to find someone this obedient again, Dave? When something like this falls into your lap, you gotta start humpin’ and humpin’ until someone calls the police.
Either this guy has the best and most creative friends in the world, or they’re total dicks. If there was some sort of drunken bet that this guy lost then that’s okay, but...
7 tags
Hard Times
If you’re going to be a bum, at least do it in style. Right now the “Christopher Lloyd’s career got even worse” look is in. But even though he’s rocking that shit, motherfucker could still use a hot meal and maybe a flux capacitor.
That’s right we’re talking about you, jackass. As if 9/11 wasn’t already rammed down our throats by the media...
7 tags
Exploited
This is one of those girls where you’re hanging out at her place minding your own business and having a good time because she’s kind of quirky. Then, before you know it, you’re eating her out in her family room like gangbusters while her brother’s in the next room playing Frogger. Later on, you’re walking home and you think, “Hey, wait a minute… I...
6 tags
Bitches and Boats
Orgasms happen for a reason. Sometimes it’s sex. Sometimes it’s masturbation. Sometimes it’s a really good slice of chocolate cake. But rarely do you get someone creaming their swim trunks their first time riding a boat. This guy operates on a higher gratification plane than the rest of us, and no amount of T-shirts with peppers on them could ever account for how hot that...
8 tags
Politics
If I were gay, my first act as president of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance (because I’d almost certainly be elected thusly) would be to declare this man fabulous. My second would be a systematic extermination of the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy for self-stereotyping the gay lifestyle and setting back the human rights movement, like, six months.
If it weren’t for the...
6 tags
Music Festival
Could this guy give any less of a fuck? He’s like Ebenezer Scrooge if Bob Cratchit were being paid in fucks. Somebody placed that whistle around his neck and asked him to be their apathy coach, and he said, “You already care too much.” When the dude walked away, this guy changed his mind like that stupid bit you see on TV where the recruiter is paradoxically turned on by the...
8 tags
Drama
Catching your wife cheating must suck, but not if you look as immaculate as this guy. His buddy in the background is like, “I saw the whole thing and it wasn’t pretty. But cheer up, Rick! There’s plenty of women out there who are attracted to your mustache and whimsical sense of style. What is this — like, your fifth wife anyway?” And he’s fucking right.
...
8 tags
Western Icons
Wow. There’s nothing better than blind hatred (his eyes are pretty much closed). The best part is he almost certainly doesn’t know any English at all and thinks wearing that shirt is supporting Western culture. The folks over in Asia, they eat that shit up. If he could speak any English, he’d say shit like, “Yeah! Tom Cruise McDonald’s, buddy!” And...
8 tags
Mimicry
This is one of those things where everyone’s a winner. You can’t tell who’s making fun of whom or if they really just admire each other, so it’s all in good fun. They’re either married or mortal enemies, and they’ve just sort of become each other over time like Spy vs. Spy. Nothing bad can come of it. If one of them died, you’d be like “Hey,...
7 tags
Creepy
There’s nothing better than creeping out customers at your crappy job, especially food services. People have to eat what you serve them because they paid for it, and no one’s going to not eat something they paid for. So, you can get in all the creepiness you want to make them second guess what they’re putting in their mouths like a John detailing his sexcapades with the entire...
7 tags
Tech
Guys like this aren’t real, but if they were they would totally be YESes. Not only does he look like he’s hopped up on a drug that hasn’t even been invented yet, he’s managed to reconfigure his molecules to appear as if he’s a crappy TV broadcast. In the HD era, that goes down as being retro, and — as we all know — retro is cool unless you’re a...
7 tags
Misogyny
Contrary to popular belief, Latinas are not, in fact, spicy like TV commercials and personal ads would have us believe. It took a hacksaw, some oven mits, and a glass of iced tea for me to be able to tell you that today. Fun facts aside, wouldn’t you still slice your dick up into equal parts (hot dog not hamburger style… come on, now) to be able to pull some Superman,...
10 tags
Appearances
Now, at first glance this might seem like your run-of-the-mill posing on 6th Street (Keep Austin weird!) after drinks pic, but that is certainly not the case here. These people were walking down the street in this formation because the guy in the middle owns the other five. When you’re rich enough to buy five minority folk in this day and age, you can let an evil grin slip from time to...
7 tags
Homosexuality
I don’t see how anyone can be against gays adopting or getting married. Just look at this set up. They fucking have an Eeyore toy prominently sitting there and it still looks like the happiest place on Earth.
“Sometimes, when Dave won’t stop talking about his rock garden, I look for any possible escape. Snorting lines of sugar only takes you so far, but sometimes…...
8 tags
Hacky Sack
Hacky sack has a lot in common with the more popular sport of basketball. When you see a tall guy with an afro, you’re about to get done. No matter how old he looks.
Additionally, guys who are dressed as close to regulation as possible and look like they may have invented the game will suck like that airplane engine on the first episode of Lost.
8 tags
Ghetto Fabulous
[These pics were stolen from a site that stole them from another site so I think that means we can laugh and point from behind a pane of immunity glass. -Ed.]
This is a case of necessity being the mother of invention. Just look at this guy’s girl. You know she’d be pantsing this guy every chance she got if he were wearing a normal Speedo. That’s funny after the first couple...
9 tags
Kids Play
When you look like a polar bear you can get away with shit like tap dancing while you’re supposed to be working. Who’s going to tell a polar bear to stop dancing? You? I didn’t think so. That’s the only reason ICEE is still around. Nobody wants that bear to stop.
Child molesters have enough bad ideas swirling around them without complicating things further by...
6 tags
Mating Habits
Now this takes balls. Calling out a celebrity permanently on your own body in a place where the only way they’re likely to ever see it is if they fuck you takes something that I think most of us don’t have. While I don’t necessarily agree with the method, I’ll agree with the madness.
Unmotivated salesmanship. This guy had all the pieces in place. He gave her the...
9 tags
Mardis Gras
Some moments are frozen in time. Like when a boy sees his first pair of tits. The way your mom was holding you up above the crowd by your legs. The two guys standing behind you talking about pin stripes (it didn’t make sense to you then, and it still doesn’t today). The chick boring her boyfriend to death with a drunken story about her trip to the grocery store that morning. The...
7 tags
Men
This is going to be the next big thing. Button down shirt with only the top two buttons done to allow a kwashiorkorlike belly to protrude through with nothing underneath but colored briefs. That might not sound like anything special, but wear that shit while striking a pose standing in front of the most absurd thing you can find in a room, and voila! You’ve just become trendy enough to...
9 tags
Crimes Against Nature
Could this guy be any hotter, please? The only remotely bad thing about this pic is he’s obviously trying to take a picture of his piercings (poor misguided soul), and missing the BIG picture. With hair like that, this man could’ve been a god in the late eighties/early nineties. He would’ve been a Lost Boy and would’ve Gleamed himself some Cube. Now, he’s just a...
8 tags
Precarious
The thing about being a giant white man who hits miniature, gangsta-poser Latinas is there’s nowhere to go but down.
“I’m going to make up for my glaring deficiencies by boning up on the female genitalia (snerk). Yeah, I know this is just The Vagina Monologues instead of an actual book on vaginas, or a real vagina I can examine for that matter, but shut up! They...
7 tags
Visually Appealing
Livestrong bracelet aside, this picture has really got it going on. Just look at the symmetry and the color. The openness and optimism. It’s like a gay guy just came out by bursting from a kaleidoscope. Oh, yeah, that black guy’s kind of cool too, I guess.
The college girl is God’s big “fuck you” joke to the hetero male. At the same time these girls are...
7 tags
Deceit
If you’re not sure if you’re ugly or not but you have a nice body, the best bet is to do the “picture in the mirror with the camera covering your face” bit. It lets you show off the goods without any risk of ruining the masturbation factor of the picture. It’s a matter of just plain being considerate. Plus, there’s always the outside chance that you’re...
6 tags
Cheer
Have you ever seen something so cheery in your life? It’s like when the sun is shining, the birds are singing and your biggest concern is finishing your ice cream sandwich before it melts. Next to him, that balloon is a disemboweled Mary Tyler Moore.
Next time you get some anti-Toys “Я” Us asshole screaming in your ear about how Christmas isn’t about peace, love,...
