Are you frickin’ kidding me? I am neither a fan of smoking nor redheads, but you wear both like badges of “fuck you, guy who writes these things,” among other frills and boner-inducing quirks. When Tammy and Rachel traveled back in time to their cherished shared memory of their blossoming BFF friendship, what they had really traveled back to was the genesis of a lifetime...
Um… why are you even reading this? Get thee to a lotion bottle! Bigger is not always better. Fake is never as good as real. Ladies, how would you feel if all men started walking around with 12-inch rubber dildos popping tents in their pants all day every day? You’d get the man home, unzip his pants and go, “Oh… I could’ve bought that.” That’s what...
Having love for all teeth whether they’re white, yellow, diseased or rotting is cool. Just really cool. It’s the new feel-good social movement. This is the orthodontic equivalent of black face.
I don’t know about you, but I like my women all natural. I like the wayward breast hair if not to match, then at least complement the carpet, so to speak. Before you get too excited, I advise that if you manage to remove those unbelievably small shorts somehow, you’re liable to find a solid, plastic pelvis where a vagina should be.
She clearly doesn’t give a fuck about what you’re seeing — only what she’s seeing, which right now is all blue, baby. This is like when Prince performed at the Super Bowl and he stood behind a sheet so the silhouette of him and his guitar made it look like he had a gigantic demon penis — only this lacks any semblance of mystique, sex appeal or rebellion. You...
Said with a Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson (your preference) surprised inflection: Jeff Bridges?! When you’re crazy enough to model yourself after a celebrity, don’t incept yourself and model yourself after a crazy celebrity.
Getting Out There
Howard had found that when he went to his white collar, 9-to-5 job in his Armani suit every day, he was dead inside. Howard had found that at Albuquerque Pride he was the man. Did you know that Randy “Macho Man” Savage’s mother outlived him?
Any time your tit chasm (sorry) distracts from 8-inch earrings and a Sears windbreaker, you’ve been — what we call — blessed. Not getting greedy and propping those things up in some ridiculously reinforced brassiere or ill-conceived top and just letting them rest naturally is the pièce de résistance. Hey, I’ve got a thing for Hispanic Catholic schoolgirls as much...
gabby-suicide asked: Im secretly in love with you. Only because you share my passion for skittles and George clooney masturbation. I thought i would share that with you publicly :-D
Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself, “Could I have thought of that?” Answering, “No,” usually means it’s a YES. Answering, “My brain hurts,” means it’s definitely a YES. I guess we should be happy these two found each other, sparing the rest of us their fuckery. Can you imagine seeing one of them walking down the road alone? It would be...
If she’d let you drown her in amoxicillin there’s a pretty good chance you can do whatever you want with this one. Turning yourself into a Lady Gaga hooker dog comic might work in Tallahassee, guy, but it won’t get you a second glance around these parts.
OK, I know what you’re thinking. “Vlah!” right? I’m about to get inside your mind and change your opinion of this. 1. The watch 2. The mustache 3. The smile 4. He had to have retied that tie so many times until it was just the right length 5. “A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.” -Oscar Wilde Also, it’s a Charvet. Boom. There...