1. Being Loud

    This girl certainly accomplished what she set out to do if it was “creating a gooey mess in a blogger’s underpants.” 

    If I’m ever put into a position to decide who lives and who dies on this planet, the very top of the “Who Dies” list is going to say, “That grown man with the pink polo shirt, oversized baseball cap, blue shorts and purple douche headphones draped around his neck.”

    1 year ago

  2. Spring Dresses

    How do I say this without sounding creepy? That dress looks as good on you as it’ll look on my homemade mannequin facsimile of you. 

    What the fuck is this — spring moments brought to you by Spirograph?

    2 years ago

  3. Good news, everyone!

    The YES and NO returns this week. Expect a post a day from here on out. 

    2 years ago

  4. Teenage Girls

    Are you frickin’ kidding me? I am neither a fan of smoking nor redheads, but you wear both like badges of “fuck you, guy who writes these things,” among other frills and boner-inducing quirks.

    When Tammy and Rachel traveled back in time to their cherished shared memory of their blossoming BFF friendship, what they had really traveled back to was the genesis of a lifetime of bad fashion decisions.

    2 years ago

  5. Tits

    Breastsesses.

    Um… why are you even reading this? Get thee to a lotion bottle!

    Back problems waiting to happen.

    Bigger is not always better. Fake is never as good as real. Ladies, how would you feel if all men started walking around with 12-inch rubber dildos popping tents in their pants all day every day? You’d get the man home, unzip his pants and go, “Oh… I could’ve bought that.” That’s what fake breasts are. They’re disappointing, and when a woman goes overboard on the inflation, they’re the refusing-to-jiggle elephant in the room. Seriously, though, there’s no such thing as bad boobs. You’re welcome, guys. Have a good masturbate!

    2 years ago

  6. Teeth

    Having love for all teeth whether they’re white, yellow, diseased or rotting is cool. Just really cool. It’s the new feel-good social movement.

    This is the orthodontic equivalent of black face.

    2 years ago

  7. Ladies

    I don’t know about you, but I like my women all natural. I like the wayward breast hair if not to match, then at least complement the carpet, so to speak.

    Before you get too excited, I advise that if you manage to remove those unbelievably small shorts somehow, you’re liable to find a solid, plastic pelvis where a vagina should be.

    2 years ago

  8. Statements

    She clearly doesn’t give a fuck about what you’re seeing — only what she’s seeing, which right now is all blue, baby.

    This is like when Prince performed at the Super Bowl and he stood behind a sheet so the silhouette of him and his guitar made it look like he had a gigantic demon penis — only this lacks any semblance of mystique, sex appeal or rebellion. You might as well be a guy on a street corner on your phone with a Guitar Hero guitar.

    2 years ago

  9. Lookalikes

    Said with a Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson (your preference) surprised inflection: Jeff Bridges?!

    When you’re crazy enough to model yourself after a celebrity, don’t incept yourself and model yourself after a crazy celebrity.

    2 years ago

  10. Getting Out There

    Howard had found that when he went to his white collar, 9-to-5 job in his Armani suit every day, he was dead inside. Howard had found that at Albuquerque Pride he was the man.

    Did you know that Randy “Macho Man” Savage’s mother outlived him?

    2 years ago